So there I was sitting in his home in his bed, it’s my birthday and I am fuming. Shortly after the midnight hour of the 23rd January, he wished me a happy birthday turned over and went to sleep. Then later on the morning of the 24th January, he left me for the entire day to be with his daughter and her partner who are living in his home for the next year as they had lost their home. I have the worst cold I have ever experienced and to top it all, it’s my 50th birthday.
It was my hope that I would have been spoilt and that there would have been a surprise lying in wait for me that I was unaware of even though we were not on the best of terms prior to this day arriving. For the last two weeks, I kept making subtle reminders that my day was approaching and it was met with “I KNOW”. So nothing prepared me as the morning swiftly became the afternoon and the evening began to announce itself as night, did I lay in my unwell state of disbelief that I did not receive even a card. I am sure you can imagine that on the inside as the reality of receiving nothing, not even his company dawned on me for a while I was numb. I could not believe or even comprehend that I had allowed this to happen to me. Somewhere on the inside, I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn’t come. One negative thought after the other filled my mind like, he must really hate me, or he does not have any care that he is choosing to send in my direction at all and that my being here was just to feed his sexual fulfillment. So much so to the extent that for a moment I paused and began to plot how I was going to repay him for this blatant disrespectful show of no care or concern.
At the beginning of the year, I spent most of the first two weeks staying in hotels and absolutely enjoying every moment of it. For Xmas, I took two of my daughters and we all checked into a hotel and spent nearly two weeks of just being free to enjoy the time, space, the relaxation, and the freedom. We are here because we lost our home and had been placed in temporary accommodation in Harrow in Middlesex. We were being moved from the borough of LEWISHAM which we had lived in for the last 3 years and were really in a negative frame of mind about moving to Harrow, hence us being here in the hotel. The reason I make mention of this is that while I am here the most profound and wonderful thing began to happen to me. I found myself making daily recorded video messages on my mobile phone to myself about how I was feeling and what I was learning from the situations I was facing and how having a positive mindset towards whatever I was facing allowed me to embrace a brighter outcome. I must say, while these lovely realities are manifesting in and around me, I am alone. I had decided to leave the relationship I was in because I was not happy with the standard from which it was being lived. So in my Joyful free way of being, when I received a call from him (the ex) requesting to take me out for dinner and to enjoy a sauna which he knew I loved, I agreed even though in hindsight it was indeed a red flag moment because nothing had really changed in that short time since I had left.
We went out to the sauna and out for a meal which I enjoyed thoroughly and then the influence of the wine and his sense of humor I found myself agreeing to go home with him again. Within a short time of my being there, the same things that were grieving my sanity were magnified again only now it’s my birthday and I was hoping that he had made some sort of preparation. He had. Only it was not what I had hoped for. In fact, he did surprise me…… with nothing. As I sat there in a blocked and stuffy nosed stupor, I began to laugh to myself. I began to laugh and tell myself that It serves me right. I should never have returned there because the reasons I had left were still apparent and nothing had been resolved, it was the momentary desire of my company that he wanted and when that was satisfied he returned about his business without a second thought. I began to tell myself that I needed to find a way out of this hot and fiery place of displeasure that is all consuming and is overwhelming every thought I had. I tell myself I need to find a way to shift from this place as I lay here sick and downhearted and it flashes in my mind that the video recordings that I began making in the hotel prior had become my go-to place for feeling peaceful and happy for that was the feeling and state of being when I was in the hotel creating them. So I returned there and began replaying each and every one.
Slowly and surely I am seeing the heat and the ill feeling dissipate and I am returning to the place I have now accepted as my own natural state of being. Having agreed to spend some time there with him, I now began to see from this peaceful and positive place of feeling that I chose to return to this standard of living. When I had made the decision to leave I found myself rising to a place where I had forgiven what I thought were his errors and was discovering that inside myself I had grown to where I was actually listening to my own voice thoughts and feelings in a physical way (eg. the video recordings) and feeling Joyful that what I saw reflected back at me when I replayed the messages. What I had recorded was my ability to bring myself out of a negative place to a place of Peace and positivity. Prior to identifying this I was introverted and only allowed my thoughts to stay on the rotating carousel of my mind without giving them any vent whatsoever. This kept me a state of irritation, frustration, anger, and resentment, so turning 50 and discovering this ability to handle my emotions in such a profound way is liberating.
What I came to understand as I began listening to myself speak from my heart is that I was not really annoyed with what I was not receiving from him. I was annoyed that I had not planned anything for myself to honor myself on that day. It meant a great deal to me that I had arrived at this Fabulous chapter of my life, seeing as just two years ago I had lost my brother to cancer just before his 50th celebration. I began to recognize that it was I who had the thoughts of a great celebration and flowers and socializing with meaningful friends and welcoming this new era of life with Joy and Happiness and thanksgiving. I was not accepting that I did not act on any of the ideas that I was naturally having for this major turning point in my life. You could not imagine the relief and freedom this solution is to all those negative thoughts that were creating havoc in my body. Even the stuffiness in my head seems to have popped with this new concept and I accept that the standard that I was hoping to receive from him, I was not actually giving to myself or taking action on myself.
This has become a major Pivotal moment for me. I could see every occasion where I blamed someone for something that I was not actually doing for myself and I could see that I needed to apologize to myself BIG TIME and ask myself for FORGIVENESS for all that I was not allowing myself to be aware of or become. I apologized to the higher aspect of myself who was showing me these fantastic celebrations and loving moments and wonderful bouquets (I ADORE flowers) that I only had to put my actions to. Instead, I can see how I sat back hoping it would come from the one who is facing me. I melt as I realize all the hurtful thoughts and plans I was making intentionally to hurt his feelings without being aware that the VISIONS I am having for the grand celebrations are coming from this higher aspect of myself in SECRET. The poor man had no idea of what I could see for my birthday much less create this vision, yet I was holding him accountable when it did not show up. I recognize now that he was reflecting the thoughts and behavior I was having and displaying. He did the same thing I had done for myself for my birthday… Nothing !!! My mind was in such a negative place that I totally misunderstood all his actions and attached negative meanings to them, which of course caused me to begin behaving from those beliefs.
In hindsight 50 has blessed me in so many AWESOME and ENLIGHTENED ways. I released that old way of thinking and as a result, the FREEDOM I am experiencing has taken me in a completely new direction. One of which has me here sharing this with those of you who still have not identified this aspect of yourself, so that you too can become aware of how to make a difference in your own life by TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for what you would like to experience in your life. We are all blessed with inner vision, we may not always choose to act on it but it is there ALWAYS. I have accepted that the highest and the best visions for my life flash in my mind ALL THE TIME. I see the car I would Love to drive and the house and I would Love to live in and the way I would love to be with those around me. I now choose to honor the Aspect of myself that shows me these visions by allowing my energy to flow from the peace and Joy I now feel just by physically accepting responsibility for where I would love to be and how, in every given moment.
This same higher aspect of myself is showing me that there are so many of you out there that are looking for THIS PROCESS. Like me you have probably read many books and watched many video recordings but still could not break through the repeated patterns that had you on the conveyer belt of disappointment and resentment. You are actually disappointed in yourself for the decisions that You are making. All you have to do is admit that to yourself, apologize to yourself, ask yourself for forgiveness and begin to get excited about what this means to your life now. If you have this amazing YOU inside you that never ceases to show you dreams, even when you drift away whilst waiting for the load in the washing machine to complete its cycle, or there is a moment at work when you allow your gaze to drift out through the window as you imagine, then KNOW that while you yet have breath, you have Life and opportunity to create things in a new way. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t “getting it” when I read all the breakthrough material and yet still I was not moving from where I was. I hadn’t acknowledged that I was not honoring myself by living to my own expectations for myself. I was not facing the man who would give me more because I was actually giving me less than I truly desired as I expected more from him. So I apologized to him also for having unrealistic expectations and for wanting to hurt him for not being who I was not being either. How amazing is that? All this I have discovered from the depths of me. No book, No video, No message, and No other voice but my own. I grew up in a world that totally dismissed the person who speaks to themselves as being “mentally unstable”. What I have learned is that what we are actually seeing is the greatness in us that highlights our possibilities that need our action. I was being one who hears herself but who take no action on what is heard and allowed the negative thought that comes as a result of inactiveness to become my most dominating feature. Now, however, I can enjoy the peaceful and joyful me who now chooses to reach for the great experiences I can see inside me.
So whether you be male or female, as young as I (wink ) or even more mature I say lets talk about this and open it up a little wider and deeper still because I am all in for this way of being in order to share the empowerment that is with me as I now live this higher aspect of myself who was always showing me how to make this Love I have for writing become a tool that can reach so many of you who are seeking this answer and the many more that I will share as and when it is requested. This is my first of many messages to you all. As it resonates with your truth please do share it with others who you feel may benefit from its content and value and remember to honour yourself by living the visions you see inside yourself. All you have to do is accept them as your own and DECIDE to put your attention, energy and action there. Having accepted these grand visions as my own and having decided that I am now making each and everyone my reality, life has just moved up a notch because I am heading for the realms of the elite. This is what I can see for myself because I know I can make a difference there also. Please feel free to leave a comment and I promise to respond whatever your perspective. I welcome you all.